Cityscapes drenched in green. Horizon tinged with white n grey. Aeroplane zooms over my head. Waiting for a bus. Journeys begun. Love lost. Hurt felt. Friendships staying strong thru the yrs. Parties, drunkenness, sex, no drugs. Tobacco, wine – white not red. Food – Italian, Indian, Marwari. Not liking Kerala type khana. The joy of cooking. Coffee n sex- both good fr system. Withdrawal systems experienced when both unavailable. Work – boring, interesting, maddening, awful. Family going round n round in circles meant never to be started. Want, ambition, desire. Europe, the States, Australia, NZ -destinations. Immigration never belonging and knowing roots lie elsewhere. Indianness how quaint!
Joni Mitchell, Nick Drake, movies, music. Shit good n bad all kinds experienced. Walking down the streets of Amsterdam after a tattoo and knowing that life has changed because one has a tattoo. The feeling never goes away. For months afterward staring at my lower back and still be gobsmacked! Ganapati, classic rock – times have changed. Grandparents loved n lost. 26 yrs of life gone.
Blue pink black red green. Colours. Read a wonderful line today. It came from a Tibetan poet. 'In your alley of maddening multitudes, I will be one more speck of colour.' Found a wondrous site - http://www.graphicpoetry.net/archive.html and it touched me. Loved a particular line from there – I used to live in colour. Until u came into my world. Now I see only black n white and all the shades of grey in between. Colours – I have been seeing butterflies of different colours fluttering abt – green, black, red! Bootiful sight – I even saw a yellow bird today. Item wld have identified it immediately. Someone I knw for yrs is apparently a very good tree spotter. Wot kind of spotter am I? Photographs Think composition and think wot a nice photograph...
Cricket, football. St James Park – being someone else at times. Not being true to yurself. Giving implicit power to someone to hurt u.Remembering that good times do exist. Trying for tht new boy and tryg to set up friends who both make impolite noises @ u. Melancholy. Books. Smell of paper, smell of xerox, Bumbai's distinctive ammoniac smell. Being South Indian, being cosmpolitan. Being yourself at the cost of family. Being selfish. Being patriotic. Reminds me of tht intense discussion @ CCD.
CCD, Barista, Starbucks, Reliance – corporate giants without conscience. Charity purposeless.Big B donates 51 lakhs to Tirupati. God doesn't need it dude! People do. God being benevolent. Nature's fury 26/7. Man's fury. 9/11. Clash of the civilizations. Clash of cultures. Ancient Indian Culture. I studied that for the best 3 yrs of my life. College, youth, lifetime ago.
Memories – wot we do with them. Wot we remember wot we forget. New memories waiting to be made depending on life choices. Living life by the choices we make. Having existential crises. Giving up the crises n because we r at heart selfish & getting drunk. Waiting for that phone call. Singing music out loud. Singing together with yur mom thru a bathroom door when u've just had a fite.
Meaningless random thoughts. A Word doc to be filled up with words. Spat out here. Waiting for oblivion.
It is not cynicism to find a special beauty in what hasn't yet come to pass.