Saturday, December 23, 2006

Random thoughts

Saturday afternoon, I am listening to Garden State OST and not had a bath and well its nice....Past weekends have been a bit insane with Roch's wedding and other random things happening. Quickie sex never got anyone anywhere or did it I wonder..

Marble is being polished outside of my window. When I go to sleep in my bedroom, I wake up to that sound and think its a normal sound to wake up to, this sound and the water pump ka sound, always the two I associate with getting up after an afternoon snooze...Dalits are being killed and no one gives a shit.

I lead a nice upper middle class life. I read about women having two wombs, snakes having two heads, pythons trying to eat gators and vice versa. Poverty is something that is not to be feared not even when my father loses his job. I am secure. I almost had an accident today.

I am not seeing anyone. I am seeing someone. I hurt when people leave without saying bye. Courtesy never killed anyone did it? Then wierder shit happens and I am told this is wierd, leave it alone. I am not sure I want to. What is that about men that is attractive? Wierd ones especially, I always get them, my life story I think! Strange that my life story should be about wierd men.

I felt I talked too much last nite. I apologised as well. I felt strange about apologising that I talked and bared my heart..Why is it embarassing that we talk about ourselves. I am going to retract my apology. The person got to know me better and I apologised for that. How stupeed can it be that we keep hiding our true selves while supposedly showing our true selves to people...

Why are some of the greatest artists of our time dead? Dope, sex, fast lives - causes or even better depression. How can you be so depressed that you want to kill yourself? I have never understood this propensity within people. Maybe I am strong enough to bear things and cannot contemplate a time or place where I need to kill myself because of things that are happening to me or around me for that matter!

My uncle with accident sitting in my house - past 4 months. My father - responsible son - sitting in his mother's house - a grandmother I haven't seen in the last 8 months, have lost count actually. Sad that is! I miss Amma, I went to her house today, the house that still has memories for me, where I grew up, where I broke my first tooth, where I had my first bicycle! Appa too, so far they seem from me, my grandparents of the heart. I am melancholic about family and responsibilities towards family members.

Its always about what I want. Never about what others might want. You never stop wanting. Endless vicious circle it is. When are we going to stop wanting? Do diksha like that Gujarati family from 'Maximum City'? I cannot give up things. My white wine, family, [look at my order], friends, smokes, kapi, laptop, music, sorpatel, Bodyshop Lip Balm, perfume, silver hoops. Imagine renouncing this and moving away from it all. Become a hermit for what purpose.

Melancholy. I am distressed by it. I am wishing it away. Thinking of my New Year's at Kashid. On a beach with moonlight I hope. That thought lightens my brain. Mad friends. Bootiful beach of my memories. Is it going to be as pure as that? I want it to be. I know it will be....

2 comments:

Akshay said...

Those are some really random thoughts. Yes please retract that apology. There is nothing wrong in letting someone know you better. Ok I havent seen Maximum City, so I have no idea about the diksha thingy.. I really hope you have an awesome New Year at Kashid

Akshay said...

Merry Christmas Kits..